On newsletters + perfection

I'm practicing not feeling the need to have all of my thoughts perfectly organized, categorized, and communicated seamlessly.

It felt really good to push out my newsletter last week. In the past, I’ve held a lot in. I say “in the past” because I really don’t want to ID with holding so much when I’m making progress toward letting it all out. Perfection is something I have to temper. Neutralize or counterbalance, as the dictionary says. It’s not a joke for me; perfection has consequences. I appreciate precision, consistent formats, structure, and attention to detail, but I’ve had to untangle this appreciation from my relationship to perfection because I can still love precision and be messy and create beautiful work.

I have a few newsletters 90% finished that I did not publish because I let perfection overwhelm me. When I read them back… they kinda slap. I believe there is information in these newsletters I still think you’d like to know.

I mean, you should see my journal. Arrows, squares, cycles, circles, brackets. I’m constantly trying to organize my creative pursuits in relation to my time, skills, and strengths — and to be realistic about it. I have so many things I want to do, yet I have to ground myself in the reality of my current capabilities and resources, plus the knowing that one day I will have more of both. Still, my mind maps don’t have to reflect a perfect plan. I make these graphics because they help me to have fun while processing what I’m thinking about. This graphic was a turning point for me, though.

yes, this is color coded.

Recently, I had a DJ gig¹. I was so proud. It was my best set yet. I played a mix of Groove Theory and Peggy Gou and Loleatta Holloway and Teddy Pendergrass. Blending R&B with house and disco is my dream. However, preparing for it, I made myself feel dreadful, and I had to pull back from overthinking. I had to remind myself, “This is supposed to be fun. This isn’t a homework assignment. This is not a story, and there is no deadline. Again, you don’t have to be perfect at this. You can loosen up, so let yourself loosen up. You don’t have to make your preparation process complicated. Again, this is not a homework assignment. You know what you want to play. You just have to prepare in goodwill. And your set does not have to be perfect. When it comes to music, there is no “perfect.”” I imagined myself having fun to put myself at ease. Eventually? I did. But I had to keep coming back to “Girl, this is supposed to be fun!” 

I love DJing and coming up with new transitions in my head, but right now, I’ve decided that I need to put DJing on pause, with the knowing that I will come back to it when the time is right. At the end of the day, I envision myself as a woman traveling the world DJing. But right now, I have to focus on creative pursuits connected to goals that will get me closer to my stratosphere. I wouldn’t have been able to make that decision in the past. I would’ve gotten in my head about the tension I feel about money and access, and let it frustrate me. And it still does. But now, it doesn’t lead me into a new phase of depression. Some versions of restraint make me feel sad. Today, I have a different resolve. My sadness doesn’t lead to inaction. I’ve found a new way to surrender that doesn’t feel like giving up but honors patience.  

This gets me back to my point about my journal. My circles, squares, and arrows. I am always trying to figure out what to prioritize and how it relates to time, which is one of the greatest things we can give ourselves. 

I would say, over the past two years, I’ve sacrificed in various areas of my life to double down on being 100% me. I don’t regret it, but there is one thing I wish I had remembered while going through this time in my life. That through the process, one gets better. What does that mean for me? It means the habits I’ve worked to develop around how I eat, manage my time, and prioritize my creative pursuits will eventually lead to real change and more confidence. I guess that’s why we do it? I do not know. If so, I don’t think it was top of mind for me. I think I’m doing it because I’m seeking god, the divine, and I want to discover myself. However I wonder about that connection, between pursuit of self and desire for a particular outcome. I feel like I’m kind of butchering this. lol. Just know: I’ve had to loosen up. I’ve had to dissolve ego-driven motivations connected to the outcome of a project. I’ve made room for motivations around connection, sharing, and community that keep me steadfast and are far more sustainable. See the graphic above, it serves as my reminder!

Back to the perfection. I have a few newsletters 90% finished that I did not publish because I let perfection overwhelm me. When I read them back… they kinda slap. I believe there is information in these newsletters that I still think you’d like to know. This newsletter is from the beauty junkie and novice. So I have confidence you may learn one or two things you didn’t know. Plus, the long reads are fire. There are incredible writers doing work along my side and these stories are evergreen. Let’s revisit them. 

I’m learning to use this platform to be more informal. My friends — the creatives and the corporate baddies — are helping me to do this. I’m learning how to lean on my them for edits and a listening ear. I don’t have to feel buttoned up all of the time on the internet. Anyone whose met me in real life knows I Am That Girl you wanna be around because I like to have fun and make folks feel welcome. It’s a little silly that I act so pent-up on the internet. I can loosen up some and just say what I think and how I feel, even if it’s messy. I'm practicing not feeling the need to have all of my thoughts perfectly organized, categorized, and communicated seamlessly.

PLEASE do not follow me on threads, no clue why i am there.

Thanks for listening,

Darian

1. In 2017 I started throwing a disco and funk party called SHEEN in NYC. Organizing that party really put a desire in me to learn how to DJ. Since then, I’ve been learning how to DJ — but it’s been very on and off. Before COVID, I DJ’d at The Friend in LA and a fried chicken joint in Burbank (shout out to Kirsten and her queer party JOLENE). I’d open for my friends because I wasn’t super confident yet. I view DJing as education, history, creativity, all of it. There is so much one will learn by learning to DJ.